For those who feel "stuck"

I have been in a season of “stuck” lately. Not necessarily in a literal sense, but I just feel like my mind and my heart are stuck. I wouldn’t fully classify it as depression, but more that I am in a season of feeling discouraged, and though there are days and moments of light, I find myself defaulting to frustration and bitterness. The honesty of that sentence leaves a bad taste in my mouth, however I feel it necessary to admit that being a Christ-Follower does not mean that every day tastes sweet. We are still sinners. Rather, I would argue that it does mean every day could taste sweet. If we could put aside our humanness, and embrace God’s Holiness, we could taste sweetness in even the most bitter of seasons.

So, here it is. My personal confession and admission that I have been living in a season of bitterness, and letting my humanity get the best of me. My inner dialog sounds a lot like this:

“I read my Bible every morning, and I come up dry.”

“Why aren’t you speaking to me God?”

“I took a whole 15 minutes of quite time today and for what? Do you even hear my prayers?”

“Why doesn’t my life look like it once did where I felt I heard from you daily? Why have you left me?”

…I told you, its ugly.

Anyway, I had a moment this weekend. One of those moments where I stopped ‘trying’ and left a little space for God and wow did he show up. What started as a search in my past journals for a verse I wrote down for my brother, turned into me reading an entry I wrote back in 2013. I won’t share the whole entry but one line in particular struck me, “I KNOW you are up to something, help me to live in touch with your Spirit within me.”

Faith. I was in a season I would have called “stuck” back then too. I had just ended a three-year relationship with someone I loved because I knew the Lord was calling me to stop doing relationships my way, and to trust Him to provide a husband for me. I took a step of faith by entering singleness and waited on Him to show me what was next. I look back on that season now with great fondness. The work the Lord did in my life is truly miraculous. I sit here writing now, married to an incredible man of God, blessed with one beautiful baby boy, and I think all that would not be true had I not trusted God to provide my husband for me.

My current season of “stuck” revolves around wanting to feel settled. In three years of marriage my husband and I have moved across the country three different times. We have had incredible opportunities with each move. We have never been jobless, or homeless, yet I sit here now feeling sorry for myself that I don’t own a beautiful home like all my instagram friends. I weep because I want to feel settled. To feel accepted in this new community, to posses the pinterest ready home of my dreams. You know, first world problems.

I think back on my mindset over the last couple of months. Why does this “stuck” feel so helpless when other seasons have not? The Lord lovingly showed me this weekend, its because of ME! I have let this season shake my faith. The difference between this “stuck” season and my last is that in my last I believed that God was up to something. That He was not finished with my story and that I was simply waiting on His miracle. In this season of “stuck” I have spent my days comparing the blessings of others with those I feel I am lacking. I have made a habit of self-pity rather than God-Glory. I have focused on ME and what I am lacking and not relying on what I know to be the character of my Heavenly Father. I lost faith.

God gave me this poem;

“When stillness falls;

when life feels small.

When troubles fill my mind.

Its there you call;

to my knees I fall.

Lord, come arrest my mind.

Hope feels far

still there you are.

My trust is brought to test.

Will I succumb?

Be overcome?

Will I choose to rest?

“You’re up to something,”

my mind recites.

“You can’t be finished yet.”

The choice is mine,

to trust your time,

or loose my mind in fret.

To remember my story

Is to KNOW your Glory.

You haven’t failed one day.

Step out of darkness,

Pursue your light.

Everyday I’ll say;

“You’re up to something, still.”

I believe it to be true,

Though my heart feels restless,

You’re making all things new.

This will not be my last season of “stuck.” I am certain of that. It will simply look different next time as it did this. However, I hope that as I age I will also grow in my faith. I will not be shaken when things feel stale because I will KNOW my God’s not finished. I will TRUST that He’s alive and moving in my life. I will have FAITH to wait expectantly, because I will believe in His goodness.