Week 14: Were you made to shine in one special way? What makes you really stand out?

This prompt seems fitting for a New Year. Aren't we all bombarded with questions like this every January, whether we want to answer them or not? New Years becomes an event of self-reflection. What did I do this year that mattered? What will I do next year to matter? How am I going to improve myself so that this time next year I feel better about me? What will make me 'shine'?

I don't know how it works for all of you, but I personally tend to get to the next New Years and though a lot has happened or even changed in my life I am still not feeling better about me. For several years now my resolution has been less negative self talk. More answering questions like the one above. 'What makes me shine?'

I have seasons where I am better at this than others, but mostly just audibly. If I am honest, the voices in my head haven't changed or grown all that much over that past few years. I resolved again this year to stop thinking/talking about myself poorly, in the hopes that I can pass on confidence to my children someday, but again had no real plan of how to execute this and actually make it stick.

On what I thought was an unrelated venture, I began reading a book I recently checked out from the library (side note: how have I not been taking advantage of the amazingness that is the library for so many years)? Anyway, the book is called "Prayer" by Timothy Keller. I picked it up out of love and respect for the author, and a genuine interest in what he had to say about prayer.

I grew up praying before dinner, bed, at church. I know prayer matters, I have even seen it work miracles in the healing of my own mother from brain cancer. Yet, I often find myself questioning its importance. My thoughts go something like this, "if God is all-knowing, why do I have to talk to Him to tell Him about my heart's desire? If He has a plan before we are born, what will my prayers do to make any difference?" I continue to pray, but more as a courtesy, or sometimes conviction, not with a heart of expectation.

So, I start reading this book and (as often happens when I read Timothy Keller) I am about three pages in and I am stopped in my tracks by one, incredibly insightful and thought-provoking sentence.

"Prayer is the ONLY entry-way to self-knowledge."

I thought about my yearly 'resolutions.' Isn't that what I am ultimately seeking in wanting a more positive outlook? Self-knowledge. Who am I and why do I matter?

Keller goes on to say,"to discover the real you, look at what you spend time thinking about when no one is looking, when nothing is forcing you to think about anything in particular. At such moments, do your thoughts go toward God? You may want to be seen as a humble, unassuming person, but do you take the initiative to confess your sins before God? You wish to be perceived as a positive, cheerful person, but do you habitually thank God for everything you have and praise him for who he is? You may speak a great deal about what a 'blessing' your faith is and how you 'just really love the Lord,' but if you are prayer-less is that really true? If you aren't joyful, humble, and faithful in private before God , then what you want to appear to be on the outside won't match what you truly are."

How's that for a heart check? It hit me so deeply. I want to appear confident, but instead of focusing my time and energy on my PERFECT creator, and finding my value in him, I am exhausting my efforts, thinking that somehow thinking more about ME is going to make me better. It seems so obvious! I do not need to figure out what makes me shine, I need to recognize the one who shone before me, within me, and will forevermore.

Yet, year after year we resolve to focus more on ourselves and every year we have to start from square one again. Perhaps the answer lies not in more inward focus, but rather upward.

I saw on the Today show a segment on mindfulness. The general claim is that in our obsessively productive society people are losing their ability to stay calm and present because they are constantly on the go, and that if we implement moments of quiet reflection, and positive thought we will find peace.

I have to wonder, are we not coming up with more secular ways to talk about prayer? Wouldn't we all agree that sitting still, reflecting, expressing thankfulness, giving words to our feelings, these are all good and helpful practices. We call it 'meditation' or 'mindfulness' but it would appear that all we are doing is taking credit for an idea God came up with long before we existed. Didn't He teach us to, "rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances" (Thessalonians 5:16-18). He preached and through Jesus, he modeled that mindfulness (prayer) matters, whether we understand exactly how it works or not! There is something divine and powerful that happens when we stop, and turn our mind to things greater than ourselves. In His presence, we invite heaven to earth and we get a glimpse of His glory.

This year, rather than resolving to work more on me, I am committing to spending more time with Him.

I'll end with this challenge from Timothy Keller's book, "If Christians do not base their life on God's steadfast love, then they will have to accept as success what others warrant to be so, and to take their happiness, even in their own selves at the quotation of the day. they tremble, with reason, before their fate."

What would happen if we found our worth this year in Him who is perfect and knew what our souls needed all along? I believe we might actually find freedom from fruitless efforts of seeking peace from our imperfect selves or others. We are not the answer. He is and always will be.