Week 12: Complete this thought: "I wish I had paid more attention when..."

I chose a life verse for myself sometime around fourth grade when I made the decision to be baptized. My verse is, "Fear not for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and keep you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10.

Well, while it is true that had I paid more attention to what this verse says when I first discovered it, I could have saved myself a lot of sleepless nights, I also think that part of the beauty of having a LIFE verse, is that each new season brings new light and meaning to familiar words.

In reflecting on this, I realized that I lived in fear a lot last year. I made a big move, career change, and found out I was expecting my first child all in a six month period. When I read back on my journal from last year, fear creeps in to just about every entry.

First I wallowed in it, then I admitted it, and shortly before my due date God gave me a vision for it. I wrote the following entry:

2.28.17

I am sitting here on the last day of February; 2 short days before my due date, and it all feels so surreal. I have been asked a lot how I am feeling lately. My response? "Pretty good! Ready to meet him!"

It's partially true. I do feel pretty good, all things considered. I have had a relatively 'easy' pregnancy. At times I have felt grateful for that, and other times I feel guilty. Why should I have it so easy when others struggle? I have not earned this luxury.

I am so ready to meet him! My SON! To see what this being I have carried looks like for the first time!

I am also full of anxiety (fear) of what must take place for that moment to happen. It's an odd feeling going to bed at night knowing I might wake up and dive head first into the most physically challenging task of my life. OR, I might start the coffee pot, read, and have another 'normal' morning.

I have been asking myself "am I ready?" It's an unsatisfying question as it poses no specific meaning to be 'ready' for something so unknown. "Am I ready to trust God no matter what?" would be more appropriate. I want to answer "yes, of course!" But I fear I do not know, as I am unaware of whats coming. Lord, help my faith to be stronger than I think.

It's also so curious to me that there is so much fear and anxiety around child birth, yet women do it and survive it daily. Old, young, rich, poor women. More often than not they sign up to do it again and again! It must be worth it, so why do I fear?

So often I think our fears are rooted in the unspoken worry that we are somehow going to be the one exception. "What if I am the one in 100,000 that dies during childbirth? What if I am the one mother who doesn't fall madly in love with her child at first sight? What if I am the one person who never finds love, becomes a parent, finds something to be passionate about....?" and so we sit in a cycle of 'what if' and we become paralyzed.

It's sort of narcissistic isn't it? To find ourselves the ONE in a million of every fear we have? The truth is, most of us could actually be so much more than we are if we stopped fearing being the one, lonely exception.

This is starting to feel like babble but God I thank you for this image to take with me. The knowledge to know that I am loved by you and unique to you propels me to feel more confident. Yet, it also brings me such comfort knowing that I am most often, NOT the exception. That my story is unique to me, but my circumstances follow a flow of ordinary.

When this is not the case, why should I fear being the exception? I know you are my author, so if you, in your awesome and powerful wisdom, decide to make me (meek and mild) the exception, well then thats an honor!

I guess this is what it truly means to say "God, even if it is not my desire, YOUR will be done." Help me to mean it! I trust you!