Week 2: Have you ever spoken up when you saw something going on that was wrong?

Admittedly, I have dragged my heels on writing this post this week. Not sure if it is that nasty old insecurity about sharing my writing creeping in, or if it is that I am honestly not so impressed with my own answer to this question, and quite frankly feel very under-qualified to write this. Nevertheless, I made a commitment to this process, and so here is week 2.

The instance that first came to mind for me occurred when I was in 8th grade. At this point in my life I was immersed in the world of competitive gymnastics. What had started in 4th grade as a once-a-week after-school hobby, quickly turned into a 5-day-a-week obsession. It felt like I spent more time at the gym than I did with my own family some weeks. Needless to say, the gym felt like home, a safe place.

One day during practice the owner of the gym I was attending asked me to come with him to his office. This is not common practice, and I felt uncomfortable. I told him, no I didn't want to get in trouble from my coach, leaving during an important practice. He assured me that he had already spoken to my coach and everything was fine. I trusted him, and so I followed.

Upon getting to his office he invited me in and tried to close the door. Obedient to adults as I was growing up, I had a funny feeling and so I told him "no, its okay I have to hurry back to practice anyway," and I stayed primely positioned in the open doorway. He proceeded to say a lot of inappropriate things (all in hindsight of course) about how I was one of his favorites, and we always had a special connection. Then he gave me a gold ring he told me was from his first marriage, a prized possession he wanted me to have. He also handed over a fake plastic ID he had gotten during his recent vacation in Hawaii that read "Marriage License" on the top and had it all filled out with his name and mine. He laughed it off saying he thought it would be funny to go with the ring and that I would like it. He also told me not to tell the other girls because he didn't want them to feel jealous that he was treating special.

I didn't know what to do but I felt uncomfortable so I took both 'gifts', nervously laughed along with him, and told him I needed to get back to practice. Once re-entering the gym, my coach was furious as she and my teammates had been frantically looking for me all over the gym (not aware I was with the owner, as he had reassured me).

Here is where I would love to say that I told my coach right away what happened, revealing the owner for the creep and fraud that he is, or that I demanded a phone call to my parents, but I didn't. I was embarrassed and terrified of getting in trouble so I quick slipped the ring and license in my locker, and finished my practice as usual.

That night my friend's dad picked me up from practice because my parents were out of town and I was staying with them for the weekend. My friend was also on the competitive team at this gym and was horrified when I told her what had happened. We handled it like mature 8th graders and melted the license with her hair straightener and then proceeded to write the owner a letter stating saying something eloquent like "thanks for the ring but I don't want it." My plan was to throw it in his office without him noticing me and run away. That would show him.

All details considered, I did NOT do the right thing in this situation. I did NOT speak up when something was wrong, or take matters to a responsible adult, but nonetheless it is the situation that came to mind. Perhaps the only thing I did right was to tell my sister. After I returned from my sleepover I relayed the story to her. She was calm and collected, but told me, "I'm sorry but I have to tell mom and dad, this is messed up." She did the true right thing and immediately brought it to the attention of my parents. What followed was a dramatic series of quitting the gym, contacting authorities, and counseling to work through all that had, or could have happened.

Unfortunately, we could not press charges since nothing 'illegal' happened, and the owner proceeded to dishonestly tell the rest of my team that I made up a story about him because I was jealous of the other girls for moving up to the next level when he held me back. It was devastating.

Like I said, this is clearly not an example of my speaking up when something was wrong, however I find the story relevant and mentionable.

First, I owe a HUGE (and probably way overdue) thank you to my sister for actually doing the right thing, and saving me from a man who I believe had the worst intentions in mind.

Second, I have to confess that I have long pondered this incident in my mind and have struggled with shame over being the one that he 'chose'. I am certain had I not told anyone, he would have tried to take things further. I have asked myself many times what about me made him think that would be okay? Worse yet, I have recognized EXACTLY what about me he was drawn to. Wasn't I the one who tried to deal with it under the rug and move on without getting any responsible adults involved?

I have felt ashamed of being that person who was an easy target. I have felt embarrassed that my instinct wasn't to call him out. Why did someone else have to do that for me? What is wrong with me?

Over the years I have found a lot of growth from this situation. Yes, I am someone who has witnessed fishy situations and for fear of conflict, I have let it slide without drawing attention to it. Yes, I am a people pleaser. I have learned to recognize that this is part of my personality, and though it makes me vulnerable to certain situations, it does not have to be all together negative. I have had to learn (and am still very much learning) how to use my "people pleasing" tendencies appropriately by loving and serving others, but not letting it define me and control my every decision. I have learned (and am still very much learning) when it is right to bite my tongue, and let others speak their mind, and when it is time to set boundaries and stand up for myself. It is these traits that made me a target for the owner of that gym, but it is also these traits that make me empathetic at times, and willing to be vulnerable in healthy conversations and environments. All in all, so long as I continue to seek growth and maturity, I don't have to be ashamed of the traits that made me a target, but I do have to be aware of them.

Additionally, I have learned that whether or not my personality drew inappropriate attention, it was NEVER okay for that man to try to take advantage of me, and it is NOT my fault. I am unbelievably fortunate that things did not go farther than they did, but my heart aches for the thousands of those whose story does not end like mine. I cannot even begin to suggest that I understand what it feels like to be the true victim of abuse, or to have those memories lingering, but I can say with absolute certainty, that it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Nothing justifies that behavior, and if you have not yet freed yourself of that burden, you must. We must push past the fear that exists of exposing the people who wrong others, they must be addressed.

I am not trying to suggest that this is easy. Even in my situation, the aftermath of telling had some negative results. I lost the community of friends I had grown to love, I faced accusations for being a fraud. Again, I do not claim that my experience makes me any sort of expert on this topic at all, but I do feel I have the opportunity to encourage others to find someone safe, someone trusted, and tell your story.

In writing this, I fear I failed to even scratch the surface of the bigger issue that abuse presents. I simply hope it will serve as a means for starting a discussion, and perhaps encourage someone along the way. I did some research as I wrote this and found several articles about abuse and how/when/if to tell someone. If you are in need of any references I am happy to disclose those. I am deeply sorry for those who know the devastation of abuse of any kind. I pray for those who have been victimized that you would find healing and restoration and that you would know your true value and worth is God-given and can never be taken away from you.